Saturday, June 21, 2008

Review: Bret Michaels - Rock My World

Label: VH1 Classics

Released: June 3, 2008

Bret Michaels' stupid reality show (I guess it's redundant to call reality tv stupid) takes its name from the shallow lyrics of Rock My World's opening track, "Go That Far." Frankly, bad as it is, it's still the best this album has to offer. From there, it's all downhill into a series of rock clichés (did he really sing, "Gave her a diamond ring, now I want it back / Besides she sucked in the sack?"), ballads duller than the ones he did in Poison and failed attempts at expanding into other styles (I didn't need Bret's take on power-pop or country rock). Even the song he named after his daughter is about as emotionally honest as a lap dance.

Poison was simple and shallow. But in a simple, shallow genre, they stood out. Why? Perhaps they were more fun. Maybe their hooks were better. I don't know, but after listening to Rock My World, I'm pretty sure Mr Michaels didn't have much to do with it. This is supposedly the best tracks from his last two releases with three new songs thrown in. That means that his very best efforts from the last five years still add up to crap. It looks like romance isn't the only train wreck in his life.

Satriani: 5/10
Zappa: 5/10
Dylan: 1/10
Aretha: 1/10
Overall: 1/10

If you're curious about my rating categories, read the description.

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Blogger Jessica said...

ha...good review. Thanks, I won't be picking this one up! :)

2:12 PM  
Blogger taotechuck said...

Please don't compare Bret Michaels' music to crap. Crap is vital. Crap is important. Without crap, our bodies would cease to function and we would die. As Ikkyu wrote,

"Dimly, dimly, thirty years;
Faintly, faintly, thirty years;
Dimly, faintly, sixty years.
I pass my feces and offer them to Brahma."

Were I an old man with nothing to offer to the Buddha except a Bret Michaels CD or a pile of my own steaming crap, I would offer him the crap. Offering him the Bret Michaels CD would be an insult.

4:59 PM  
Blogger Jeff said...

I couldn't help but laugh when I got an email to review this CD. I'm pretty shocked you actually took up on the offer.

9:20 AM  
Blogger Ray Van Horn, Jr. said...

I was laughing hard at your parting shot, but ol' Chuck managed to steal your thunder, sad to say

9:36 PM  

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